Red River

Wow so blogger did nit upload these pics very well. Oh well these are just a few of the many we took. Enough to give you an idea anyway. Our home away from home is a wood "cabin" 4 bedrooms, two living areas, 4 fireplaces and an awesome kitchen. TJ and I went up there with my parents, older brother and grandmother. It was a crazy busy couple days full of good food, activities, and tons of family time. Mom and Dad went fly fishing on Friday after we got there. Mom caught the most and biggest fish! She has pictures to prove it! They had so much fun. I love getting to see my parents have fun. It is such a blessing to grow up with them and see how much they love each other still. While they were fishing, TJ, Chris, Grandma and I went to "downtown" Red River. We went in to all of the local shops and had lunch in town. Since we went in the off season there were not many people there. We went hiking the rest of the day. We found lots of rocks! If you know my family than you know that we have rocks from almost every where we have ever traveled. Dorky I know but oh well. That night, my mom made homemade lasagna. So good. We stuffed ourselves and had plenty left over for lunches later. We played a couple different board games and just hung out. Saturday morning, TJ and Chris got up to go and play golf in Taos. I thought they were crazy because it was so cold! We woke up to snow on the mountains every morning! But that is what they wanted to do so... I went with the rest of my family on whats called the Enchanted Circle tour. Pretty much we drove a big circle through the mountains. We saw Angel Fire and Taos. I could have spent days in Taos. There was so much to do and see! This is just a fraction of what all we saw and did but I have to go and finish the laundry from the trip!

Psalm 147:3

This is a picture of my friend Daniel's new tattoo. I know it is not the greatest picture but we will go with it anyway. I don't know what your opinions on tattoos are and I won't try to convince you one way or the other. I have a tattoo and TJ has 2 of them. The one thing I will say, if you are going to get one, make sure that it is something that has meaning and that is well thought out. You don't want something that you are going to regret later! Anyway, back to Daniel's... I LOVE the imagery on this tattoo. It depicts me so well. No, I am not going to go and copy this on my arm!!! But what you can't see too well on the banner is a bible verse. It is Psalms 147:3.

He heals the brokenhearted

and binds up their wounds

This is such a simple verse but carries quite a punch! I love the heart that is torn in half and sewn back up. There are too many times when the torn heart has represented my heart. That I have been brokenhearted and felt so alone. But God has bound my wounds and has healed me. To me, this tattoo represents the stages that I have been through. the broken heart representing literally my broken heart. The three crosses representing what God sacrificed for me and that He also lost his Son. The thread represents all of the ways that God has bound our wounds. Faith, amazing friends, and family. Then the repaired heart. My heart will always have a scar. It will never look the exact same as it used to. And that is ok. But God has bound the wound and now my heart looks and acts like a heart again. I am healed and covered in His grace and love. Isn't that just an amazing image? I love to know that my heart was broken but now because God loves me so much, I am healed. When I was at my lowest point, I didn't ever think that I would reach a point where I could say that I have healed. But by the grace of God, I am healed. I have a fully functioning heart. One that is ready to love and might one day crack again. But the good news is that even if that happens, God has enough thread to bind those wounds as well. I encourage you, if you are hurting, to allow God into your life. He will bind your wounds as He has done mine. Praise God that He heals!

Now although I love this image on Daniel's arm, it will not grace my body! I will just carry that amazing image in my head and if I ever forget, I can just give Daniel a call! My arm would definitely not look this good with a tattoo covering it! And Grandma would faint! So thank you God for Daniel and for allowing me to see this art. Isn't it funny how something so taboo can bring such peace and blessing? Thanks Daniel for sharing your art!

Vacation!

TJ and I are on vacation countdown! We are so excited to get away for a little while. We are headed to Red River, NM with my family. Well part of my family that is. My parents, older brother, and Grandma will all be there. We have a cabin up there and so we will have all the amenities of home just not the stress! It is always nice to go and not really have any worries. The best part of the cabin is that we will get to cook every night and just be able to spend time together and not be in hotel rooms. We are really looking forward to it. I am sure that we will post a ton of pictures on here when we get back. My family is not really into the do nothing vacations. Our trip is already completely packed with activities. First comes fly fishing. I have never done this before so it will be a new experience for me. I know that it is a lot of work. I have seen A River Runs Through It many times. Fly fishing is an art! The boys are going to go and play golf. I like golf but not when it is like 40 degrees! But they will have a blast I am sure. There will also be horse back riding, taking the 4 wheelers out, and hiking! Our cabin is right on the river and I am hoping to spend some time with my camera and working on natural elements photography. Pretty excited about it really. The family time will be great too. We are planning to just hang out in the cabin at night and cook, have light a fire and play board games and drink cocoa. After the kind of year that we have had, this sounds perfect for me! I am sure that we will both put on a ton of weight while we are gone with the combination of my mom and grandma's cooking! We will definitely get spoiled rotten. I have already done a little shopping and got some super cute new clothes. That's part of the fun of vacation right?! The hardest part of the vacation is that Capone doesn't get to go with us. We are having to board him while we are gone. That makes not only him sad but also me and TJ! Capone was a pound puppy and definitely remembers his time there. It is so hard to leave him even though we know that they spoil him rotten while he is there.
On another note, this month starts a marathon in our lives! October through January is always crazy busy for us. We have a total of 14 birthdays in that time span plus holidays. And this year we added vacation! It is such a fun time of year though. We love to stay busy and so the parties, football games, hay rides, pumpkin patches, and everything that this month brings is so much fun. I cannot believe how quickly this year has flown by. Oh well. Totally ready to slow it down some while relaxing on vacation! Vacation! WooHoo!!!!!

In the Kitchen!!

I really used to hate to cook, but recently Gina and I have started finding different recipes and putting our little spin on them. We have a good time in the kitchen when we cook together. It is just more time that I get to spend with her. We recently made a sandwich that was awesome. I was on the internet looking for something good to eat and I came across this awesome recipe on the Pat and Gina Neely's website on Food Network. We love to watch them cook. They are a very cool couple that love to make some good food (especially some BBQ)!!! This recipe is called Smoked Sausage and Pepper Sandwich. Man was it good. Would also be good over some rice. In case you would like to try it out here is the recipe:

Ingredients:

1 tablespoon olive oil

1 pound smaoked sausge, sliced into quarters then lengthwise

1 red bell pepper, sliced

1 yellow bell pepper, sliced

1 orange bell pepper, sliced

2 medium yellow onions, sliced

3 garlic cloves, chopped

2 tablespoons tomato paste

1/2 cup water

1/2 cup Neely's BBQ sauce

4 fresh hoagie rolls

Provolone Cheese

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

Heat the olive oil in a large cast iron skillet or dutch oven over medium heat. Add the sausages and brown on all sides, about 7 to 8 minutes. Remove from skillet and reserve.

Add onions and peppers to the skillet and saute until tender and golden brown, about 6 minutes. Add the garlic and saute until fragrant. Stir in the tomato paste, water, and BBQ sauce. Cook for a few minutes, then add the sausges back to the pan. Reduce heat and simmer until the sauce is nice and thick, about 10 minutes.

Slice the bread open, put on sheet tray, and toast in oven while the sausge is simmering. Remove the bread from the oven and fill the the sausages and peppers.

Transfer to serving dishes and serve.

Got to be Thankful for Something!!!

So Gina has finally talked me into blogging. This will be my first time to do it so bear with me. I have many things that I a very appreciative of. Here are just a few of them:

1. JESUS: There is no one like him and anybody that will die so that you can everlasting life is pretty awesome to me. Glad I don't live without him.

2. GINA: Wow what an amazing person. Can't believe I am actually married to her. Couldn't imagine myself with anybody else. She makes me smile when I had a long day at work and is just goofy all around.

3. MY HOUSE: Not very long ago Gina and I were able to purchase a very nice house. It is such a blessing that were were able to fall into such a deal. It is a work in progress, but nothing we can't really do on our own. I enjoying getting to make it our home together.

4. MY FAMILY: I have an awesome family whether it be my mom, dad, and sisters or my in-laws. They are absolutely fabulous. They are always there for me when I need them and couldn't ask for a better family.

5. COWS: You are probably wondering why I am thankful for cows?? Well that is what I grew up around. There is nothing better than getting in the truck with my dad and just driving the dirt roads to different pastures talking and checking the cows. The best part though is when we get together to work the cows and calves. It is great family time.

6. PLANTS AND FLOWERS: Gina loves to be outside just digging in the flowerbed and planting any kind of plant that she can find. It is nice to be able to spend that extra time with her. Right now we don't have any landscaping but come spring it is going to be time to plant some flowers etc. Can't wait. It is hard work, but it makes your house look that much nicer.

7. FRIENDS: We have some amazing friends. They are the kind that would be there for you anytime you needed them. Just give them a call and they are on there way. It is nice to know that we have such good friends.

8. WORK: I am so very happy to have a job. With the hundreds of thousands of people that are out of work these days it makes me very appreciative to have a job that helps me to support Gina and I.

9. SMELL OF ALFALFA HAY: I know I stole this from Gina, but I don't think that there is a better smell. It is just awesome. Nothing like it.

10. CAPONE AKA MR. MAN: This is my dog. He is the best dog I have ever had. I don't know what we would do without him around. He definitely keeps us busy playing throw, trying to be a cute puppy, and trying to give you kisses. The best part is when he falls asleep and starts having his puppy dreams. I always get a laugh out of it. I love him very much.

Doom and Gloom

I was just looking at my blog and realized it has been all doom and gloom the last few posts. That makes me sort of sad. I PROMISE that is NOT who I am most of the time. I am actually a really goofy, happy go lucky person most of the time. So to combat the sad posts, I am going to tell you some things that I am thankful for and looking forward to
1. Vacation!!!- Yep at the end of this month my parents, older bro, Grandma, and TJ are going to Red River, NM! The boys are planning on hitting the golf course, while the girls shop. Also on the agenda is fly fishing, hiking, renting 4 wheelers and lots of family time. My family has a really nice cabin right on the river and am so looking forward to relaxing for a while!

2. Craft Fair- there is a HUGE one in this area and I am making TJ take me. Mom usually comes down to go with me but since vacation is the next weekend I am not having her come.
3. Friends- We have the most amazing friends ever! We had the Raymers over Saturday night and had a blast. They have been such a support through the whole adoption process as both of their girls have been adopted
4. Lame jokes- I love silly jokes. I have been known to tell them and laugh hysterically at them when everyone else groans! example: What do you call cheese that is not yours? answer- NACHO CHEESE!!! I laugh every time
5. Little girl giggles and imaginations- love the Raymer girls! Hearing them giggle and pretend play is so up lifting!
6. TJ- he will kill me for saying this, but he has a ton of little dances that he does to make me laugh. I love getting to see him be silly and cut lose. By the way, he has no rhythm at all!
7. Capone- silly spoiled dog! He loves to go on car rides and goes nuts if you ask him if he wants to go. He LOVES ice cream and licks it when we put it in his bowel. He loves kids and seeing him with them is so much fun!
8. My mom- She really is my best friend. Never thought that we would ever be at that place but we are. She is a wonderful woman and the kind that I strive to be every day. Seeing her and my dad's marriage still going strong after 30 years is such an encouragement to TJ and myself.
9. My older brother Chris- He is literally a genius. He is so smart it is scary. We are so close in age (18 months apart) that he was and is one of my closest friends. He is the one person who can really push my buttons. He thinks that he still needs to be my protector at times. He still tells me what to do! But he can also make me laugh and some day he is going to make an awesome dad!
10. Sunrises- Love to see the amazing colors God paints the sky with and it is a beginning of a new day!
11. Children's books- this is a love I share with my mom. I collect them.
12. Flowers- so beautiful and can make me smile. I love to just go to a nursery and look. I love when TJ comes home with plants. He knows I would much rather him buy me flowers that last rather than ones that will wilt!
13. Rocky road ice cream!- I am not a huge sweets fan but you really can't beat RR while watching a movie!
14. Old movies- another love carried over from my mom. Arsenic and Old Lace is by far my favorite movie! I love that things were simpler back then and not everything was a curse word or had to be totally violent for people to watch and laugh. I also watch old westerns and war movies. That is definitely my dad's influence! The Dirty dozen makes me cry every time!
15. The smell of fresh cut alfalfa. Is anything sweeter? It reminds me of home
16. My Father in Laws ranch. Love to be outside and love helping work the cattle. Being with TJ and my FIL and doing what they love to do more than anything puts a big smile on my face. I love being there at night when there is nothing between you and the stars. The cattle settling down for the night one of the only sounds you hear.
17. TJ praying- makes my heart smile and rejoice in knowing he finally has such a close relationship with God!
18. my Granny's house- my favorite place in the world to be. That is home. It is nothing special. Its actually really small and when my whole family is there it is cramped. But I know that it is a place of love and laughter. So many precious memories of my childhood are there in that place.
19. Junk shops- You never know what you will find! TJ and I go sometimes and have a blast!
20. Relationship with God- This is what I am most thankful for. That He loved me so much that He sent His Son to die for me. The other 19 things on this list do not even compare. Because of this one the other 19 are possible.

2 years ago

This past Sunday, Oct4, was the 2 year mark from when we had our first miscarriage. I can't believe that it has really been that long ago. Right now our baby Bug would be an 18 month old little whirlwind running through the house. This is still a hard day for TJ and I to get through. It is still painful. I think back to that day and what all we went through and just cringe. TJ and I were young. It was our first pregnancy and it was a much desired pregnancy. We had tried for several months before actually getting pregnant. I was coming up on my anniversary at work and so I had some vacation time to waste. As I was already exhausted due to the pregnancy, I figured why not use that week of vacation and just lay around the house? I woke up one morning during my break to some light spotting. Freaked me out. I called my doctor right away. So I guess I had better get to that part first. When we first moved to this area, TJ and I had such a tough time finding a dr that would take new patients. So my doctor was still back in my hometown about 3 hours away. Anyway, I called my hometown dr after I noticed the spotting. It wasn't anything heavy or anything. After speaking to my dr, he told me if things got worse than to go to the ER. I called TJ and low and behold after a little while I started cramping and the spotting got worse. So off the the ER we went. I will definitely spare you the details of what all that entailed because it is graphic and not exactly something that I care to write about. TJ and I live in an area with no family. So we really did not have anyone close to us to be there with us as we went through all of this. No one to help run interference with the hospital staff or anything. We really needed it. The dr had just confirmed that we had in fact lost our baby and that there was nothing left they could do. We were devastated. I was laying there on the table and feeling totally numb I was hooked up to all kinds of machines and had an iv and the whole works. TJ was sitting next to me crying as well. It was terrible feeling. When the door to our room opened in the ER a worker walked in and asked TJ for money. Yep, you read right. I thought that they should definitely have a little more tact than that. Nope, she walked in with a clip board and told us that we needed to pay $100 and asked how we would like to take care of that. Remember, we are still in a room, I am still hooked up to an IV have a catheter, and a monitor on my tummy. We are bawling our eyes out and she wants money! Not to mention the fact that the DR in the ER had no bedside manner. The dr actually told us that we could be grateful because at least we knew we could get pregnant. Was that supposed to make us feel any better? Really? No matter if we could get pregnant, it would never replace that baby we lost or the one that we lost just a couple months later! Anyway, having gone through all that we did, we will never go to that hospital again. Maybe we are over reacting but it just felt like there was no compassion what so ever. So we leave the hospital. I make TJ call my dad at work to tell him. It is usually easier to get in touch with Dad than Mom. Being that he is a bank president and Mom is a teacher. Anyway, TJ gets my dad and lets him know and asks that he let Mom know. We drive ourselves home. No one comes to visit. No one calls. Not even our church. One of my childhood friends call. She cried and prays over us. Her mom calls and prays and talks to me about her miscarriages and tells me that she understands and offers to drive up to see us. My parents and both my brothers call. My parents have never been through a loss like that and so didn't really know what to say but prayed over us and were just there to listen. Both of my brothers who I love to pieces call. They cried with me and prayed, they were angry with the way the hospital treated us. They made TJ laugh and offered to do all that they could to help. Being that they are also young and single and had no idea what we were going through at all. It was nice to know that they cared. The rest of it was just a fog. TJ and I laid in bed with Capone. We didn't really speak a lot, we didn't eat because neither one of us felt like cooking. We didn't sleep and we cried. My mom came up for the weekend and took care of us both. She did the laundry, cooked us food and made us eat. She also cooked several meals to freeze so that we would have food when she left. It was nice to have my mom there.
So here we are 2 years later. We still miss our Bug. We talk about what he would be doing at this stage in his development. This subject can be a bit taboo with other people because know no one really knows what to say. Well TJ and I talk about our baby. He was a baby. He was loved and he is missed every day. Have we healed? Yes. We really have. We have the desire to have another baby. We are trying to adopt. We can think about and talked about both babies that we lost without crying and feeling the crushing weight of our loss. We are fine with the fact that people do not know what to say. We are firm in our belief that God has a plan and a purpose. We are not called to understand His ways, just to have faith. I will never understand why we lost our babies. But we do rest easy in knowing that they are in Heaven with the One that created them. We rejoice in knowing that they are happy and healthy and whole. If I close my eyes, I can see a little boy with TJ's dark black hair and my grey eyes. He has a twinkle just like my baby brother. And he is laughing and running through the streets of heaven. And I know that Bug is in good company. Both my grandads, my great grandparents and my cousin, Jerrid are getting to know our babies before we do. We are so thankful for that.
Oct 4 is a very bittersweet day for us. It is one of the few days a year that we allow our selves to really grieve our loss. We celebrate the time we had with our baby and think about who he would be today. Then we pick ourselves up again and keep going. We know that is what he would want us to do. We look forward to the day that we have a child here on earth, but we also look forward to the day that we actually get to meet the sweet babies that we never did get to meet and get to know. What a glorious day it will be when we all get to be together in heaven! So I will let this long sad post go. We love you Bug and we miss you so much! Love- mommy and Daddy

Favorite passage

Do you have a favorite Bible verse or passage? One that you recite when you are feeling low or when you need encouragement? I had an awesome Sunday school teacher when I was younger who encouraged us to find a life verse. A verse that would speak to us and that we could claim as our own. I highly recommend this. Over the years, I have had several. I am not sure if that is what Angie intended for us to do but as my life changed and as I grew, different verses spoke to my life. The verse that I hold closest to me right now is a verse in Habakkuk. How did I come across this verse in a tiny book? Well at Christmas this past year, I was speaking to my aunt about the problems that we were having with the adoption stuff. My Aunt Tami and Uncle Don have been such a HUGE support for TJ and I through this whole process. They adopted my cousin Taylor 17 years ago. First off, I can't believe that Tay is that old now! She has turned into such a loving and beautiful young woman and I love her to pieces! Anyway, my aunt told me about a verse in Hab. that they used to hold onto during their adoption journey. It was about writing down your desires and a scribe taking it to the ear of God. Don and Tami did this. They wrote that they wanted a healthy little girl with my uncles dark hair and dark eyes. They were so specific in their desires. and guess what? Taylor is exactly what they prayed for. After hearing this verse from them, I filed it away and thought that it was cool but not much else. So about 2 weeks later, we heard a sermon preached in Habakkuk. Hmmm coincidence right? Well that's cool. So later on that week, I was meeting with a woman I work with for lunch. She is a Christian but not a consistent church goer. Over lunch, she started telling me about a sermon that she had recently heard. Yep in Habakkuk. OK God I got it. I really needed to do a study in Hab. So that night I went home and picked up my Bible. Not to do my usual quiet time but to study this book that I had never read out of before. Boy am I glad that I did. I came across this verse and it has been such a blessing to me and TJ the past year. Here it is

"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late a single day." Habakkuk 2:3

Wow right? As inpatient as I can be at times when it comes to having an adoption actually go through, God has a plan. And you know what? It won't be a single day late! How encouraging is that? Every day we are one day closer to having our vision and dream fulfilled and it is going to be awesome because it is in His timing! Do we still get impatient and struggle with frustration? Yes of course but just by repeating this verse and dwelling on what it really means puts us back in the place we need to be. Praise God for His timing and for that fact that He is never late! We just tend to be early! Thank you Lord for filling the Bible with verses that speak to us where we are. For loving us when we are not patient and not in Your will. For knowing our needs and meeting them before we do. Thank you for the amazing family that we have that supports us and lifts us up daily to You. We feel their prayers. Thank you for allowing us to live in a country where I can freely praise You. Thank you for being an accessible God. So many other religions do not have that. I pray for those people that they will come to know You and realize that You love Your people and that You are accessible at all times. Thank You for the people that fight to insure that our country remains free to worship as we wish. Thank You for being Abba Father. For loving a sinner like me. Most of all though, thank You for being my Savior. Because without You I am dead. You have given me life and life eternal. You sent your only Son to die on a cross for my sins when I am so not deserving. Help me every day to remember that and to strive to be a light every day!