2 years ago

This past Sunday, Oct4, was the 2 year mark from when we had our first miscarriage. I can't believe that it has really been that long ago. Right now our baby Bug would be an 18 month old little whirlwind running through the house. This is still a hard day for TJ and I to get through. It is still painful. I think back to that day and what all we went through and just cringe. TJ and I were young. It was our first pregnancy and it was a much desired pregnancy. We had tried for several months before actually getting pregnant. I was coming up on my anniversary at work and so I had some vacation time to waste. As I was already exhausted due to the pregnancy, I figured why not use that week of vacation and just lay around the house? I woke up one morning during my break to some light spotting. Freaked me out. I called my doctor right away. So I guess I had better get to that part first. When we first moved to this area, TJ and I had such a tough time finding a dr that would take new patients. So my doctor was still back in my hometown about 3 hours away. Anyway, I called my hometown dr after I noticed the spotting. It wasn't anything heavy or anything. After speaking to my dr, he told me if things got worse than to go to the ER. I called TJ and low and behold after a little while I started cramping and the spotting got worse. So off the the ER we went. I will definitely spare you the details of what all that entailed because it is graphic and not exactly something that I care to write about. TJ and I live in an area with no family. So we really did not have anyone close to us to be there with us as we went through all of this. No one to help run interference with the hospital staff or anything. We really needed it. The dr had just confirmed that we had in fact lost our baby and that there was nothing left they could do. We were devastated. I was laying there on the table and feeling totally numb I was hooked up to all kinds of machines and had an iv and the whole works. TJ was sitting next to me crying as well. It was terrible feeling. When the door to our room opened in the ER a worker walked in and asked TJ for money. Yep, you read right. I thought that they should definitely have a little more tact than that. Nope, she walked in with a clip board and told us that we needed to pay $100 and asked how we would like to take care of that. Remember, we are still in a room, I am still hooked up to an IV have a catheter, and a monitor on my tummy. We are bawling our eyes out and she wants money! Not to mention the fact that the DR in the ER had no bedside manner. The dr actually told us that we could be grateful because at least we knew we could get pregnant. Was that supposed to make us feel any better? Really? No matter if we could get pregnant, it would never replace that baby we lost or the one that we lost just a couple months later! Anyway, having gone through all that we did, we will never go to that hospital again. Maybe we are over reacting but it just felt like there was no compassion what so ever. So we leave the hospital. I make TJ call my dad at work to tell him. It is usually easier to get in touch with Dad than Mom. Being that he is a bank president and Mom is a teacher. Anyway, TJ gets my dad and lets him know and asks that he let Mom know. We drive ourselves home. No one comes to visit. No one calls. Not even our church. One of my childhood friends call. She cried and prays over us. Her mom calls and prays and talks to me about her miscarriages and tells me that she understands and offers to drive up to see us. My parents and both my brothers call. My parents have never been through a loss like that and so didn't really know what to say but prayed over us and were just there to listen. Both of my brothers who I love to pieces call. They cried with me and prayed, they were angry with the way the hospital treated us. They made TJ laugh and offered to do all that they could to help. Being that they are also young and single and had no idea what we were going through at all. It was nice to know that they cared. The rest of it was just a fog. TJ and I laid in bed with Capone. We didn't really speak a lot, we didn't eat because neither one of us felt like cooking. We didn't sleep and we cried. My mom came up for the weekend and took care of us both. She did the laundry, cooked us food and made us eat. She also cooked several meals to freeze so that we would have food when she left. It was nice to have my mom there.
So here we are 2 years later. We still miss our Bug. We talk about what he would be doing at this stage in his development. This subject can be a bit taboo with other people because know no one really knows what to say. Well TJ and I talk about our baby. He was a baby. He was loved and he is missed every day. Have we healed? Yes. We really have. We have the desire to have another baby. We are trying to adopt. We can think about and talked about both babies that we lost without crying and feeling the crushing weight of our loss. We are fine with the fact that people do not know what to say. We are firm in our belief that God has a plan and a purpose. We are not called to understand His ways, just to have faith. I will never understand why we lost our babies. But we do rest easy in knowing that they are in Heaven with the One that created them. We rejoice in knowing that they are happy and healthy and whole. If I close my eyes, I can see a little boy with TJ's dark black hair and my grey eyes. He has a twinkle just like my baby brother. And he is laughing and running through the streets of heaven. And I know that Bug is in good company. Both my grandads, my great grandparents and my cousin, Jerrid are getting to know our babies before we do. We are so thankful for that.
Oct 4 is a very bittersweet day for us. It is one of the few days a year that we allow our selves to really grieve our loss. We celebrate the time we had with our baby and think about who he would be today. Then we pick ourselves up again and keep going. We know that is what he would want us to do. We look forward to the day that we have a child here on earth, but we also look forward to the day that we actually get to meet the sweet babies that we never did get to meet and get to know. What a glorious day it will be when we all get to be together in heaven! So I will let this long sad post go. We love you Bug and we miss you so much! Love- mommy and Daddy