Reflection

There are several songs that I played over and over after we lost lost each of our babies. I truly believe that music has a healing quality to it. There are some amazing songs out there that really speak to me and that really helped me through the hard times. One of them was Angel Baby by Watermark. I had the cd for years before I even met TJ. I actually had the opportunity to work at a church camp where Watermark came and played. So I got to meet the band. Anyway, the song was written when they went through a miscarriage of their own. It really does say exactly how I felt. The hurt, the pain, as well as the joy in knowing that our babies are in heaven and that they are being taken care of there. I mean who better to take care of our children than the One that created them? Another song is one that TJ and I have actually turned into artwork for our bedroom. It is a song by Kenny Chesney called Who You'd Be Today. Almost everyone I know that has gone through a loss still acknowledges their baby's due date in some way. TJ and I have planted a tree in honor of the babies that we have lost. And on their due dates we usually make some kind of cake or dessert. Morbid to some but to us it is acknowledging that our babies really did exist and that they were special and will never be forgotten or replaced. This song has special meaning for those type days. You can't help but think that one their first birthday that they would be doing these certain milestones. Or wandering what they would be like, who they would look like and what would their personalities be like. This song really captures those feelings. But the one that really means the most right now is Homesick by Mercy Me. This isn't a new song and it is one that I have heard and sang many times before. But recently I heard and really listened to one of the verses and it smacked me in the face. The verse goes like this:

Help me Lord because I don't understand Your ways
The reason why I wander if I'll ever know
But, even if You showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

The third line here is what really has spoken to me the last couple weeks. Lets side track a minute. I get asked if we have healed from our miscarriages. Well yes physically we are fine, most days we are emotionally good too. We are not looking to replace the babies we lost. They were unique unto themselves and cannot be replaced. Any children that we have either through adoption or naturally will be unique and not replacements for the children that we lost. We are no longer crying all the time or anything like that. We can freely talk about what happened and be ok with it. We definitely still miss our children and always will. But yes we are fine and we are moving forward. It is not fair to us or to our angel babies or to our future children to not move on and be happy. We will always hurt and miss those babies but we know that they are in a better place and that we will see them one day. So back on topic, sort of... The lyrics to this song. The thing I think that we struggle with the most not only in the miscarriage but also in the failed adoptions is the why God question. Why us God. Yes this sounds selfish and childish and it is. But I can promise you that it is something that we work on daily. It is a choice that we have to make every morning when we wake up. Are we going to feel sorry for ourselves or are we going to live this day rejoicing in what we do have. And every day there is a different answer. We are working hard on it being the rejoicing choice rather than the other but some days it is hard. Anyway, in the lyrics it says that even if we knew that the hurt would be the same. Wow, never thought of that. Would it really make a difference if God told me in some great revelation why He decided to let TJ and I go through the pain of miscarriages or the struggle to adopt? You know what? It doesn't matter. It really would hurt the same.Just because we would have an answer to the question that we ask often doesn't mean that we would miss our babies less or that we would not be frustrated with the whole adoption system. The theme song for my life right now seems to be centered around faith. And this song supports that. You know, we might never know the "why God's" and that is ok. All we have to know is that God loves us, is with us, and has a plan for our lives. We just have to have the faith to follow that path and to rest assured that He is in control. So for now, I am trying to be content with out the knowing why. in the long run it doesn't really matter. What do you think? I know that this post seems to ramble around but those of you that know me personally know that I write like I talk! Sort of all over the place. Blame it on my ADD if you want.