Trials

No pictures today sorry. This post is just about something that TJ and I have been struggling with for a while and how God uses people to unveil His truths. As has been stated in previous posts, TJ and I have suffered through several horrible miscarriages and are now on the seemingly never ending adoption roller coaster. This is our trial. This trial has been going on for so long now that it is hard to pin point an exact time frame. Side note, I will be speaking for myself on this post as I cannot and will not speak for my husband. I may try to convince him later to add his own thoughts on things.--- Anyway, when we first began this journey, I was a Christian. I have been a christian for well over 20 years. I don't really remember much life before I was saved. What is cool though, is that I can vividly remember feeling the calling to accept Christ as my Savior and sitting in the living room with my parents and older brother and praying the prayer to accept Christ into my heart. I remember going and sitting in the preacher's office and telling him that I wanted to be baptised and why. I was 7. I never really faced anything difficult growing up. I don't want to brag on myself, but things came easy for me. I was truly blessed in that I was naturally athletic and didn't have to work as hard as others. I am smart. I never studied at all until I went to college and I went to college on an academic scholarship. My family was awesome, I didn't even know anyone that was divorced. My parents were completely in love to the point that it was embarrassing in front of my friends because they could be so sappy. Now I am thankful for that because they showed TJ and I the kind of relationship that we want. Anyway, things had always come so easy to me, so when we started struggling with the miscarriages and then all the adoption stuff, it was so hard. Everything had always been so easy. Why was this so hard? I was a good girl. I have never drank alcohol, I don't use curse words, I go to church every Sunday, and I teach high school girls Sunday school class! Why was God forsaking me? I was so angry and I tried to do everything my own way rather than let God show me what He had in store. After literally years of trying to do it my own way and then getting angry with God when things didn't work out the way that I wanted them to, I grew weary. I was ready to just give up. I couldn't do it anymore. I hit rock bottom. The only way to look was up. So I cried out to God. Part of it was the pitiful why me stuff, but most of it was just a cry for help. I didn't want to live my life like that anymore. It was affecting every aspect of my life and I did not like the person I was becoming. Yes, I was still a christian but I was flat. That is no way to live. God spews the luke warm from His mouth. I don't want to be luke warm anymore. So I have vowed to change. Do I still want to be a mommy? Yes more than anything. But not at the sacrifice at my relationship with God. I started to really start reading and studying my Bible again. Believe it or not, for the first time, I started looking to see what the bible had to say about children and families. Really after years and years of trying to do it my way, why now just turn to the Creator who gave me these desires of a family? I really can't answer that question. But what I have come across are many promises that God has made to me as I am one of His covenant people. There is nothing that I have to fear.
So for the past couple of months, this is what I have been working on. Just giving it totally back to God. TJ and I went to church yesterday ready to hear what Bro. Jack had to say. And boy did he speak directly to us. He spoke out of the first chapter of James. This is all about trials and perseverance. What a powerful message. He had several points in his sermon but I will only cover a couple since this is getting so long already. His first point was that trials are meant to test our faith. As a christian, I had faith but infantile faith. I had faith that God was there but didn't really know what that meant. Now I do. We have been tested with every time we have to go to the doctor only to tell us that there is no longer a heart beat. We are tested every time we have a call on a possible placement only to be put off for another month or to be rejected out right. We are always told the same thing... You are a wonderful family don't give up yet. Well that is so hard when all you want is a yes. Our faith has been tried so many times. But in that process, I have learned what faith really is. It is about knowing and really believing that there is a reason for what we are going through and knowing that God is walking through it with us and carrying us when we don't have the strength to do it ourselves. That leads into point 2. We need to find joy in our trials. An oxymoron of sorts right? Well this is the one that TJ and I probably struggle with the most. I mean who wants to party and be happy when you are in pain right? But that is what we are called to do. We are to find whole joy in our struggles. What this means is that we need to find the purpose for what God has for us in this trial. Honestly I do not know what that is just yet. But I do know that if our story can be shared and help just one more person who has to go through the same thing that we have then it is totally worth it. I cannot imagine going through this roller coaster ride without having God on our side. So if we can share our story and help just one person than I will rejoice that we have gone through this. I am already rejoicing about the spiritual growth that we have both been through along this journey. The final point I am going to cover hits home with me and made me squirm in my seat. It is that trials bring about perseverance and PATIENCE. Really? I have the perseverance down. Even when I want to quit, there is a still small voice saying to pick myself up and tighten my boot laces and march on. I am good with that even if I do have a few small pity me moments. Patience is a different matter. Since everything has always been so easy for me, I am not used to waiting on anything. I don't like having to rely on other people to get things done. I mean don't they know how long we have waited and how much we want this? I am working on this. I have God's promises to stand on and so I know that I know that it is going to happen. Not on my time table but on His. And God is never wrong and He is never late. Ties right back into faith doesn't it? So in conclusion, I am happy that TJ and I have been through this journey. I am so blessed to have such a strong Godly man to make this journey with. He is strong when I am not and I can be strong when he is tired. We know that it is going to happen. We know that God has called us to be parents. We will just take this time to grow and to learn and to look for opportunities to share our story. So yes, I am thankful for the trials. But I will be even more thankful when it is finally over! Do you have any trials of your own that you are in need of finding the joy in? Let us know and we will pray for you as so many people are praying for us.