Tired

***Warning*** This post is going to be pretty much just a vent session. Feel free to skip it.


So this has not been my week. And today is not really helping anything. A couple that we know are adopting twin boys. And they found out that their adoption will be finalized on Friday. That is great news for them and I want to be happy for them. The thing is that they only started this process in June. Like literally started it then. Their home study was approved in June got a call about twin newborns in July. They didn't even have to pay the agency fees because the agency could not find anyone else that wanted these two little boys. Now I am happy for this family. I really am. They wanted another child for a long time. But really? TJ and I have been trying to adopt for ages now. I know that we are not supposed to covet what our neighbors have. But it is so hard not to get upset. I know that God has called TJ and I to be parents and yet we continue to struggle. What seems so easy for other people is not for us and it is getting really old. I DO have faith that God is in control but truthfully I am angry with Him. And that makes me feel bad. But honestly that is how I feel. I don't understand why it has gone on this long and why God won't bless us with a child. Why give us the desire and the calling and then not allow us to become parents? God's first commandment to man was to go forth and be fruitful. For a couple that really tries to live our lives obeying ALL of God's commandments, this is tough. No matter how hard we try to fulfill this commandment, we cannot do it on our own. Trust me, we have tried. I know that part of the reason that I am so emotional this time of year is the fact that we lost our second baby on Christmas Eve. Every year we think that this will be the year that we will bring home our own child to have Christmas with and yet another year is drawing to a close without the hope of fulfilling this commandment. I know that I sound pathetic and whiny but unless you have been through it than you don't know what it is like. Most days I can overcome the anger and just keep moving but for some reason this week has just been really rough. Next week may not shape up to be much better either. The three kids that we may be interested in all have court dates next week. TJ is telling me to stop being so negative but I am not really seeing anything great coming out of these calls and court appearances either. It is like I have just come to expect the worst. The little girl that has a date is one that we learned about more than 6 months ago. We have been through so much with this child. Ups and downs and court dates moved and uncooperative workers. You name it. We would love to have this little girl. But what we are facing seems huge. Her foster family wants to adopt her and her case worker wants that to happen as well. The problem being ICWA laws. She is NA and the foster family is not. That means that legally they should not be able to adopt her. The little girls tribe also has stated several times that they do not want her foster family to adopt her. The only way around the law is to prove that it is in the best interest of the child to stay where she is. Well by putting off the court dates and leaving her in the home etc, they are going to claim that she is bonded with her foster family and that it would be traumatizing to move her. And it will be. I can understand and feel for the family. They love her and want her but at the same time a law is a law and TJ and I would also love to have her be a part of our family. most of all we want what is best for that little girl. It just seems like such a huge thing to have to overcome. I know that God can crumble any obstacle in the way but from past experience it just seems like our reality is that it won't happen. One of the other children that we are interested in is a little boy that actually has a placement call. We made it to the final three that will be presented to a board for selection. You would think that is a good thing. It really is but we have been there so many times before and with this same state! I think that all the workers know us by name! They don't even ask for our home study even more because everyone has a copy! So that call is tentatively scheduled for Tuesday. We will see. This state has on more than one occasion told us that we were the choice for a specific child and then at the last minute chosen someone else. The final child is a little boy here in our state. This would be an ideal situation for us. He is not local but at least it is the same state and there would be no interstate compact to worry about or anything. His court date is about visitation with his birth mother. Currently she has been deemed unfit for even visitation. Her rights on this little boy have not been terminated yet but it seems like just a matter of time until they are. She has already lost custody of her other 2 children. We know that his current foster family has no interest in adopting him. What we are hoping and what our worker is trying to do is arrange with his case worker for us to have a legal risk placement. Which means that we would technically foster him until mom's rights have been terminated. If she regains her visitation rights on Tuesday than that won't happen since we live on the other side of the state. Ideally the mother will have gotten her stuff together and cleaned up her act so that she can be a mother to this child. But if not than we really hope that the worker will want to work with us!
So now that I have vented and gotten some of my frustration out, I feel a little better. I am a writer by nature and so just getting my thoughts down help out a lot. I really am not a negative person or someone who is always down. I am actually just the opposite. It is just the adoption stuff is so hard. It is something that we want so badly but no matter what we do or how badly we want it, there is nothing that we can do. We try. We are on our knees daily. If someone is reading this, please remember TJ and I in your prayers this holiday season. We really could use them.