Attachment-Bonding

So here is the blog that I have been promising since before Christmas! I am not sure yet if I can get it all into one or if I will break it into 2 separate blogs. Let's see how long it gets first. It might come off a bit tedious for some but please bear with me.





To begin, I want to state that I am NOT an expert by any means. Yes, I have had many child development classes and done some major study in this area but I am still not an expert. The absolute best piece of advice I can give is to seek the help of a real expert. I am not going to spout off opinion on here but just some facts as well as studies done by real experts. I will add a little of our experiences along the way. But the one thing that I stress more than anything is to find a psychologist who specializes in attachment therapy and or RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). This greatly helped us in our transition and still helps us today!





Ok on to the most boring part for most, basic info. When a child is born, they have no real knowledge of anything. There brain is formed as far as they have a brain but there are no experiences or knowledge for that child to fall back on. Experiences change the brain structurally not just emotionally. That is why it is so hard for children, adults too, who have gone through trauma to adjust to "normal" life. Their brains function differently than a "normal" person. They may look like every other child in the room but the way that their brain processes information is greatly different.


If I could draw on here I would show you a picture of the attachment cycle or first year life cycle. So in your head just imagine with me. At the top of the circle is a need (physical or emotional) ->reaction (crying, fussing) ->gratification or relief (caregiver responds to need) ->trust (child realizes that this is the pattern for getting a need met).


--So in most cases of abuse, neglect, and children in group homes/orphanages, this cycle is not met. There is a break down between the child's need and that need being immediately met by a caregiver. This causes the trust to not be there thus no attachment. Conscious development starts before language development. So as a newborn, this pattern is already setting and changing the formation of the brain.


--Everything is filtered by our senses. They set off a process in the brain that actually alter the brain structure itself and its function. And too add to that, trauma further changes the brain.


-- The brain has to create an internal representation of external information in order to make sense of what is going on with an individual. This depends on the pattern, intensity, and frequency of neuronal activity produced by sensing, processing, and storing signals. So in other words it depends on how often a child experiences he same thing, crying because they are hungry and no one coming to pick them up and feed them more often than not. Intensity, if there was one real traumatic event in a child's life, shaken or beaten child.


-- Through experience, our brain creates a template that it then computes all incoming information. The more frequent the pattern of neuronal activation, the harder it is to overcome that memory as it is now a part of the brain.


--The brain does not like to be surprised. Any new unknown or unfamiliar environmental cues are viewed as threatening until proven otherwise. This is why many children with attachment issues do not like intimacy. They need to be given plenty of time to adjust to new places and new people and to let their brains catch up. Most of the time they will adjust on their own over time when their brains can adjust and see that a person or thing is not a threat to them. This is hard to understand for most people because what a "normal" person may view as safe and comfortable is foreign and terrifying to a child with attachment disorders. What you view as safe is only viewed that way because of your past experiences. So a child who has been neglected or abused does not view physical touch for example as safe.


--Since the brain can't store every element of experiences, it uses those templates based on the first set of organizing experiences. All new incoming info is matched against these templates. This is what makes it so hard to parent a child with attachment disorders. You may not know what these templates are. I can promise you that your child does not know and cannot verbalize what they are either. It is by trial and error and lots of prayer for the first little while.


--Modifying these negative templates is a major treatment goal with children with attachment disorders. It is really difficult though because these templates turn into core beliefs that become fixed, rigid, operate outside of conscious awareness, and do not often change even as a result of changing the child's environment.


I know that this sounds overwhelming but the rest is not as difficult to write or hopefully to understand. I could go more in depth into brain function and how everything changes and blah blah blah but a general understanding is all that you really need to know. Just that what your child goes through, whether good or bad changes the way that the brain functions and looks. It takes a lot of time and new experiences to teach a child how to over come those early experiences and how to over ride their brains natural reaction to situations. But it can be done. It just takes a lot of time, energy, effort, and prayer.





So now lets get on to something a little bit more fun to talk about, or less fun since it is actually really sad. Let's talk about the reasons or causes for attachment disorders. First let me tell you that there is a whole spectrum as far as AD goes. It can very greatly it just depends on the child's experiences, length of care, the cause of the disorder as well as the personality of the child. So here are some reasons that a child may have AD.


1. Parent or caregiver


--abuse or neglecting the child


--ineffective or insensitive care, meeting the physical need but not the emotional (postpartum depression is an example)


--teenage parenting


--substance abuse


--prolonged absence, prison, hospital, military, etc


2. Child


--difficult temperament, child does not "fit" with parents


--premature birth


--medical conditions


3. Environmental


--Poverty


--violence


--lack of support


--multiple placements


--high stress, martial conflict, family disorganization,


--lack of stimulation


This is just a small list of factors. And many children fit into multiple categories. I will use Jerrett as an example. Jerrett was born to 2 teenage parents. His bio mom left him when he was 2 days old with the bio father. Until he came to live with us, she had only seen him 2 times since then. His BF loved him but was a child himself with no support system. they lived on different peoples couches the whole time J was with him. BF had no idea how to care for an infant and thus J went without much medical treatment and no stability. J was put into foster care when BF was sent to juvie. J lived on the reservation for most of the time that he lived with BF and experienced poverty at its worse as well as violence and neglect. After coming into care the month before his second birthday, J had 6 placements before coming to live with TJ and I a few months after he turned 3. That is 7 placements in a little bit over a year not to mention all of the other caregivers that he had when he and BF moved from one house to the other. So Jerrett fits into many of these categories. It breaks my heart just to think of all the things that he experienced as such a small child. And to think that those experiences will be with him the rest of his life because they are what formed his brain and the way in which he processes things. We are still working on trying to break the hold that some of these experiences have on him.





So I might as well write one really long blog while I have the time. Now that I have bored you with detail regarding how the brain functions and some of the causes of attachment disorders, I will get into adoption and how all of this can affect the bonding/attachment of a child and their new families. Susan Lorazan was our therapist in SD. She is still the expert that I call when I have questions about J now as well as the therapist that he sees here now that we are home. Susan concentrates solely on adopted children and children in foster care. She is a leading expert in attachment. Anyway, one of the first notes that I wrote down from our talks is this fundamental truth; "relationship reciprocity and bonding expectations for a child during the first year to three years of an adoptive placement must be the same as that of a newborn. To heal and thrive, older adoptees must be able to retrace, with their new family, developmental steps they missed early on." In going with this, she told us that we were not to allow anyone other that TJ and myself to hold, hug or care of J for the first year. Now we have not taken it to that drastic of a step but we have severely limited the amount of people that we first exposed him to. And he does not stay with anyone other than us. No one meets his needs but TJ or I. The first time that this will happen is going to be when the baby is born. But thankfully our friends who are also adoptive parents with attachment issues will be available to watch J until my parents get there. And those are the only people that have been allowed to watch Jerrett and or meet his needs when we were not around. Jerrett has stayed with our friends only a couple times. Once so we could have a short date and a few others so that I could go to the drs. Mom and Dad have only watched him once for a few hours when TJ and I went on a date. But we are praying that since he knows them that he will be fine in their care while we are at the hospital. It is not an ideal situation but nothing that can be done about it. It is nothing personal about not letting other people watch him or meet his needs but it is teaching him who it is that he can rely on and who his parents are. As important as extended family is, it is even more important that he bonds with me and TJ first and foremost. That is why Susan has had us limit his inner circle so much. as he grows and adjusts and becomes more secure in his bonds and attachments, his circle will grow but for now, we do as we were instructed.


During college, I studied Erik Erickson. He is an award winning psychologist most well known for his work on identity and psychosocial development. He has a 4 stage theory of child development. During some of my research on attachment disorders and adoptive children, I came across Dr. Claudia Flether's work where she compared Erickson's 4 stages of child development with adoptions of older children. One important thing to note before we dive into this is that Erickson believes, as do most experts, that you must fully make it through one stage before you can move on to the next stage. So buckle up and enjoy as I try to make this as painless and as enlightening as possible.

Stage 1- The first 18 months
-Ego development- Trust vs mis trust
Research has shown just how important it is for children to learn how to make proper attachments. But often in the first year after placement, adoptive parents make the mistake of concentrating on behaviors instead of attachment. I know from experience that this is hard not to do. The only way to change this is to view the older adoptee for the first 18 months the same way you would view an infant. A few things to be noted here. Limit your expectations. You do not expect an infant to attach to anyone other than the primary caregiver and that is not even a firm attachment yet. It is a process. You do not expect an infant to be able to express all of their feelings and to be able to immediately be able to return affection. Same is true for the adopted child. This is not a safe place for the child yet and so these expectations are not fair to the child and you are setting yourself and the child up to not meet the expectation. So change your expectation and your response to the child will change. The parents need to nurture and teach the child how to behave in a family context and you will get much better results than just expecting an adopted child to know how to interact. You also need to realize that until a child is fully attached to its primary caregiver, in an adopted case, the parents, the behaviors will not change. If the child cannot bond with anyone than why would he want to please anyone? Too many times people expect certain behavior from an adopted child without having a true relationship with that child. To help a child learn to attach to the parents, you need to learn how to correct behavior in a teaching way rather than demanding. Offer distractions and other choices to the behavior. But you must remember that the parent must be in control at all times. No long lists of rules but a few rules that are easy to remember but that you remain firm and consist in reinforcing. Try to create good feelings for the child. What they need is the touch and nurturing from the mother and father. Make plenty of eye contact as the eye really is the window into the soul. When the child does misbehave, stay calm and point out why the behavior is not acceptable. Make sure that any other person that may be around your child, knows and understands the rules before exposing your child to that person and make sure that the rules are followed. Consistency is key. Actions and reactions promote bonding between parents and children. If they know that they can count on you when they are being good or when they are being naughty, then trust grows.

Stage 2- 18 months to 3 years after placement
-Ego development outcome: Autonomy vs shame
Once an adopted child has learned to attach, they enter into the "terrible twos" in typical development. This can mean depending on the age of placement that a child could actually be a teen when going through this stage. And trust me it is hard to deal with a tantrum throwing preschooler vs a toddler! Right now we are still in the first stage with Jerrett. He is still learning how to function within a family unit. It is hard not to push him and expect him to proceed quicker. However, due to his chronological age, we also see some of this stage in his actions as well. But as Erickson states, Jerrett cannot fully enter this stage of development until he completes the first. You will be so relieved when it seems that your child is attaching but then will start to panic when it your childs defiance kicks up a few notches. You may wonder if the attachment is real but according to Erickson, only when a child completes the attachment phase can they enter the willful testing phase. The best thing to do with a raging older child is to remain calm and wait out the tantrum as long as they are physically safe.

Stage 3: 3 to 5 years post placement
-Initiative vs guilt
Erickson links this to the later preschool years. In a normal child, this is where they learn how to interact with others and develop social skills. For an older child it is much more difficult to learn. This is where a child needs to try new things and try to discover areas of interest. You need to allow for failure and let them test their skills without being embarrassed. This is a really important phase for a child to get through because failure to do so can lead kids to be fearful, hang back from groups, rely to heavily on adults, and have a limited ability to imagine.

Stage 4: 6 to 12 years after placement
- Industry vs inferiority
Years after many other kids their age, adopted children reach a stage where they can begin making future plans. As the parent, your job is to allow your children to try many things, even forcing them at times. They need to be able to feel what accomplishment feels like and know that they are capable on their own.

Each stage takes longer that we would really like. But just like you cannot expect a healthy 2 year old to act like a 10 year old, we cannot expect a 10 year old who is emotionally 2 to act his age. This is so difficult because we all want what is best for our children. But what is best is to allow them to make it through each stage with our help and guidance. I think that hardest part for me and TJ was taking other people's expectations out of the picture. At first we were so concerned with how other people perceived our son that we wanted to push Jerrett and have him be as normal as possible. That was not fair to him at all. As Jerrett's parent's, it is our job to love our son and to guide him through each of these stages and to be there as a never ending source of support. And to somewhat protect him from the expectations of others who may not understand or who choose not to understand. And I hate to tell you but there are those who will choose to not understand. They will tell you that you are using the adoption excuse as a crutch. But please for your sake and the sake of your child, let it go in one ear and out the other. Remember that you are the parent and you are doing what is best for your child. Find a support group, with the internet, it is so easy now to find a group of parents of older adoptees. And to be considered an "older adoptee" your child has to be at least 6 months of age. It will help so much to not only have the support of a professional in your therapist but also to have other parents just like you who are facing the same issues.

Now lets get on to the children themselves. Here I will get a little more personal and tell a little more of our experiences. As well as professional advice on how to parent Attachment Disorder children. I have already filled you in on some of Jerrett's background. What I have not shared is his actual diagnoses. Jerrett was diagnosed with Attachment Disorder with Anxiety Axis Ia as well as Neglect of child/abuse Ib. He is also border line obsessive compulsive disorder associated with anxiety. So what does this really mean? It means that Jerrett has been moved around every few months if not weeks since he was born. He has had so many care givers in his life that he never really had one in particular that he bonded with or that he could count on for any length of time. It means that he is overwhelmed very easily and that he has severe anxiety related to unknown people places and things. When he is upset and unsure of things, Jerrett turns to control as many AD children do. He lines things up by size, shape color, etc and then gets upset if they are not in that order. Due to his challenges, it is really important for us as a family to remain as consistent as possible. Jerrett counts on that. When he is feeling anxiety, Jerrett will actually act out on purpose so that he will see if TJ and I will remain consistent in his discipline. This helps him to feel secure in knowing that no matter what certain things will not change. We have a pretty strict schedule when it comes to certain things and there is always a pattern to our activities. We do the same thing every morning, we eat meals at the same time everyday, J takes a nap at a certain time everyday, his bed time routine is the same every night. This is true even if we are having to travel to see family. This does make travel extremly hard and that is why we really have not done much of it since he came home. J comes first. Will this change? Once Jerrett is fully attached and is completely comfortable in his new home and surroundings, we have been reassured that it will become a little more flexible. But as we are still in Satge 1 of development, he is still an infant and needs that routine to feel safe and secure. One of the real difficulties that we have come accross is Jerrett's intelligence. The first day that we met him, the therapist gave him an apptitude and intelligence test. He scored off the charts for his age. And that has not changed but actaully shown itself to move forward at an alarming rate! Jerrett turned 4 in October and is already preforming at a first grade level in many academic areas. And we do not work on these at home in any form of school and he does not go to preschool. He has 1.5 years before he even starts kindergarten! Jerrett knows by sight all of his upper and lower case letters. He can also arrange them in alphabetical order. He can write most of them and recognise them on signs and tell you what sound they make. He also knows his numbers up to 40 by sight and can arrange them numerically. Am I bragging? Heck yes! I am so proud of my little guy. He is so smart and I am excited to see what the future holds for him. But at the same time, this has been a hinder in part of his attachment and bonding. It is hard for TJ and I to remember how old he is sometimes. He is so verbal that we sometimes put the expectation on him that he ought to be able to tell us what is wrong when he wakes up screaming. But that is not true. Because regardless of where he is chronolically or academically, emotionally he is only an infant. This is really hard to get other people to understand as well or they believe that he was so young that he cannot possibly remember all of the things that have happened to him. all of these are wrong assuptions. Now that I have shared a litte bit of what we are dealing with, I am going to get into how to parent a child with attachment challenges.

First and foremost, is to make sure that the parents are always number one. Noone should ever meet the needs of your child when you or your spouse is around. Your child needs to know who their parent is before they know who anyone else is. They need to know that you are the person to come to and that other people, even family members and close friends, are not there to meet their needs. Their safe base always needs to be the parent. Often well meaning family and friends can come between a child and adoptive parent's bonding by trying to form a relationship with the child before the child is ready for that relationship. We were told for 6 months at a min. that the child should be under no one's care but the parents. This is really tough to do. It is really hard to try to explain to someone who is excited about adding this child to their family, why they cannot just scoop them up and love on them and or to try and have a close relationship. If not done correctly it can cause a lot of hurt and bitterness. We have experienced this and I do not want this for anyone else. But after speaking with other adoptive parents, they have experienced this as well. So I am not promising it will not happen. The best advice I can give is to be open and honest up front, share informatation with your extended family before the child gets placed. Ask for their help in creating the best bond between yourself andf the child. Our mistake was in wanting J to be treated like any otherr child and so we did not disclose some of his challenges to extended family and those who do not have a working knowledge of child development and or attachment did not know what to expect.
Second piece of advice given to us. Consistancy, consistancy, consistancy. Jerrett is actually quite normal in the way that he acts out when he is feeling overwhelmed. He is looking to make sure that TJ and I are still there. Dr. Susan told us that often AD children think that if a parent cannot control them when they are acting naughty then they cannot count on them to protect them in the long run. So no matter where we are or what we are doing, if J starts acting up he gets a punishment. That does not mean we tell him, "wait until we get home," or "when we get to to the car." No it means immediately. We have sat Jerrett down in the middle of Hobby Lobby throwing a screaming crying fit, into time out and stepped away. Do we get funny looks? Yes but it is what is best for Jerrett. The rules that apply at home are the same rules that apply at Grandma and Grandpa's house are the same rules that apply at Alison's house. That is just how thing are and how they are always going to be. We are blessed in that my parents and our friends understand the reasoning behind this and support us all the way, Do we look like strict parents? Yes but it is what J needs. Is this really how we want to parent? Not really but we also know that in the end things will get better because we are helping Jerrett to move forward to to be able to trust us to be able to care for him, love him and protect him no matter what.
Thirdly, support and time. These kids need to know that they can count on something. Lots of times they have lost faith in just about everything because for them there was no hope. You have to just keep going and pushing through the hard times. Keep being that person of support. Let your child know that no matter what they do whether good or bad, that you are going to support them and love them. Give them time to adjust and to make sense of the new life they have. So many of them think that this life will be taken away as well. they do not trust or believe when you say forever. It has to be proven to them time and time again. Do not force intimacy especially with people outside of immediate family. Allow the child time to get to know people and to make the decision themselves how they want that person in their lives. For the most part, Jerrett warms up to people after a few meetings or a considerable amount of time spent together. But he is also really specific about who he lets into his personal space. And once again that is a safety thing for him. He does not want anyone physically close to him that he does not know and or trust. That will hopefully eventually change but for now we are not pushing it and we actually support this. It is actually a good sign of attachment because some children show no stranger danger and treat the mail man the same as they treat their adoptive parents. Jerrett has moved past this and is now being picky. So woohoo for small steps! And he is such a vocal little guy that he will let you know when and if he wants phyisical contact.
Finally, love and prayer. There is no way that TJ and I could have made it through this year without a lot of prayer. God answered our prayer in bringing us this little boy. But He has also answered many prayers about what to do next. How do we deal with tantrums and family issues. How do we raise our son to know that he can overcome his beginnings and that he was created and intended to go through what he went through. THat God had a plan for a little boy born on an indian reservation and those are huge plans. And the most import thing is just spend time loving on your little blessing. One of the most important things I have learned is that when J is acting particularly ugly, it helps us both if I will just hold him and thank God for him. To remember what all he has been through and just to be thankful for the blessing that he is. To let Jerrett know how much he is loved and to tell him repeatedly as well as to show him with actions. To Jerrett actions mean so much more than words. To Jerrett, I love you, means next to nothing. He repeats it to anyone who says it to him. We are trying to break this habit because we want the words to mean something just like the actions do. We do not want him to grow up and to use those words to minipulate others to do as he wants. So we are really working on teaching him whatthose little words mean and to only say it to people he really knows and means it to.


I hope that I have shared some insight with you. I have tons more info that I can actually send you and lots of sites i can send you to. But in closing, I just want to say how happy I am that you are getting a child. And what a blessing it will be. Welcome to the family of older adoptees! Know that even when you feel all alone, you are not. There is another family out there going through the same thing. There will be highs and lows and lots of tears and laughter. Cherish the good times, they will help you to keep walking through the rough times. Know that God not only has a plan for you as parents, but for you as a family. That child was created to be yours. God knew all along how things would work out. Do not let other people's expectations and or opinions matter too much. Unless they have been in your shoes, or are an expert in child development or attachment disorders, their opinions don't really matter. That sounds harsh but you will need to grow a really strong backbone in order to champion for your child. I am so excited for the journey that you are about to go on. I am thinking of you and praying for you and for that sweet little boy. It will all come together. Now that I have bored you to tears, go do something fun!